Female Architect's New Role

My mom said something the other day that sparked my husband to say the following:  

“And THAT is what is holding women back from advancing in the workplace.”

I was shocked. He is not really someone that says things like that in support of women or anything really. He just doesn’t get that involved generally or whole-heartedly unless it is in regards to fantasy football or our Frenchie. It sort of makes it seem like he doesn’t truly care (and thus notice) much around him, when the truth is that he is the most aware person I have ever met. This response to what my mom said was so fast, it was like he was thinking about it at that very moment.

I was shocked in a good way though. He had a point. (He is so smart.) By my mother saying that she is “not afraid to act stupid around people to get what she needs,” she was inadvertently holding back women everywhere because she was just acting like another dumb girl.

Which begs the point, how many other women are also doing this? And another one, I have to admit, I do it too.

I HATE telling guys and girls alike that I am an architect. For one, it sounds kind of haughty. I usually tell them I am a designer instead. A female being an interior designer makes sense. People are comfortable with that. They know what I do and they know what to expect. Saying I am an architect makes things so much harder on me. I feel like I have to explain myself.

When you announce to the room (OK, that’s dramatic) that you are an architect, the expectation is elevated. Who do I think I am, coming in here and having fun and not knowing about politics? What exactly did I do anyways… and could I be trusted? What kind of architect can make a lewd joke and throw back a few cocktails? Surely there must be some mistake. What does this mystical creature, this female architect, do?

More often than not, I get this question, “So, like a REAL architect?” Or even this gem of a statement of, “You’re not an ACTUAL architect.” Most recently, this gentleman at a marketing event told me when we started chatting that he couldn’t help me with his services because he didn’t do residential contracting. He ASSUMED I designed houses and my response to him was, neither do I but it doesn’t sound like we would be a good fit anyways. Zing!

Before my husband was my husband, he would pick up girls in the bar with the most ridiculous of lines (so he tells me). Girls would actually believe that he was a matador or even dolphin trainer while he made these screechy noises (demonstrating to them of course)… and they believed him! Bless their hearts. He can be a matador, but I can’t be an architect?

So to your question, yes, I am an effing real architect. Mike Brady, George Costanza, Ted Mosby. I get it, these are the architects in which you are most familiar. TV architects are male. The 90s  movie One Fine Day in which Michelle Pfeiffer plays a female architect who is a single parent while living in NYC, is about the closest thing to a female architect role that I have seen, and 99% of men have not seen that movie.

I need to stop doing this. Would I tell people that I was a nurse if I was actually a doctor? I wonder if females deal with this all over the globe regardless of their title. Right now it just becomes blatantly clear to me that I need to help set a precedent for women all over. I think this is more a story about being comfortable as yourself than anything else.

So, hello, my name is Joellen and I am an architect. I design both large and small commercial buildings with a little bit of residential design experience as well. Nice to meet you.

2015 Resolution

I  have a problem... I don't think I have been thinking for myself for a while now. It all started when I realized that I didn't like the music I was listening to as I was going from station to station in my car a little while back. I felt like I hadn't "discovered" a song in over a decade that wasn't already playing over the radio and through everyone's heads and that started to bother me. I used to love music. I used to buy albums and my favorite song was not always the A track... or even B track.

This lead to other realizations. My wedding, my house, my car, my clothes. How influenced was I becoming by others? By the media? I don't think I was always this type of person, one that was not able to be herself! When did this all start?

It might have something to do with social media. We are let into so many peoples' lives and sometimes that is a good thing, like for helpful hints or tips, but sometimes we can start comparing ourselves to others and that is a slippery slope. We become a nation of copycats and sheep and keeping up with the Joneses as your neighbor gets inflated to everyone you have ever known in your whole life. In the past, a simple call to your mom about why your baby is crying is now suddenly turned into hours of online research because there is just TOO MUCH DAMN INFORMATION AVAILABLE!

Taking on too much is also an issue. We think we can have it all because so and so has it all. They work and workout and have a clean house and even put elf on the shelf in the cutest little positions for their darling children says their pictures! So, that slippery slope comes in and knocks us on our asses. In my reality I am tired, pennyless, childless, anxious, and could lose a few pounds. But as my coworker says, nothing is ever as good or as bad as it seems, and it isn't.

Back to not only just having it all, but it is all at our fingertips! Recipes, directions, phone numbers, to do lists... we have conditioned ourselves to be able to turn on a crockpot and do three times the errands of our parents, and we just try to take on more and more like an insatiable creature. My sister and I laugh that my mom will tell us her morning is just "too full" to do anything. She says she has to pay bills and go to the post office. That woman goes to the post office more than anyone I know, and I don't think I have been to one since I had to drop off a return to Amazon.com a year ago, but she has a point. 

My mother sets aside all morning to pay bills and go to the post office while these are things that I do during my lunch hour at work and from the comfort of my own desk. Automatic bill pay, online shopping, emails... all things that are keeping me from getting fresh air, sunshine, steps in, and speaking to people. Oh, and keeping me from a truly "unplugged" vacation. What is this going to do to our generation?!

All of this brings me to the point of this whole post, which is to take some time to define my New Year's Resolution - to decrease stress. This is a complicated thing to try to accomplish (which sort of diminishes the whole "less stress" thing, don't ya think?!?) but I am going to try my best. I think implementing the following would be a great start to the new year.

1. Stop being so plugged into social media and frivolous news.

Yes. This. I run into complete strangers that know more about my life than my father does, simply because he does not have facebook. I have pared down my friends list and removed all picture albums over a year old. I will continue to do this over the coming years and be more discerning of what I share and what I don't. I heard once that for an entire year, on someone's birthday, that is when you can decide if you want to keep them as friends or not since it will go through each person day by day for the next year... not a bad idea!

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2. Stop worrying about what others think of you. 

I want to look at each situation as to what I want... will this make me happy? Do I actually WANT to go to that party? So and so does not give a crap if I am happy... am I? Not only do I want to let go of what others think of me, but I want to create some ME time. I want to do things that interest me, even if I have to do them alone.

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3. Stop being a stranger.

My mom once told me that if she ever gets a grumpy cashier, it becomes her goal to make them laugh or smile. I love that sentiment. It's easy to do and sometimes making others smile is the best way to put a grin on your own face. I want to call my friends and family more. Spending time with people that I WANT TO spend time with is a start.

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4. Stop saying “yes” all the time & get more sleep.

I have already started implementing this one... and it is a good feeling. When saying yes will negatively affect an aspect of your life; like sleep, anxiety, procrastination, money, etc., then say no! I also need to personally start going to bed a half an hour before I actually want to be asleep. Since when has getting up from the tv, brushing teeth, washing face, contacts, pajamas, moving laundry, letting the dog out, etc. taken only a minute.

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5. Stop thinking you have to get it right on the first try.

This is the hardest one for me. I am a perfectionist and sometimes it holds me back. I am afraid to fail... and I shouldn't be. It takes me longer to begin things sometimes because I don't want to do them wrong. Most of it is in my head and within my own fears. Seize the day!

Stereotypes

I can't tell if this makes me laugh out of anger or comedy. Sometimes I wish stereotypes wouldn't be proven right! That is so like a North Charleston police officer to be caught doing something wrong while the damn Mt. Pleasant officer rescues a deer. Disgusted.

What's in a Name?

Weird? Personal pet peeve? I don’t care, I am just going to say it.

Don’t name your child Liam, Xander, Kate, Peggy, or any other name that is SHORT FOR SOMETHING ELSE!

Name your child William, Alexander, Katherine, and Margaret. It sounds much more formal and professional on a business card or deed and from there you can come up with a nickname. If you are worried that someone may try to form their own nickname for your child, either let them because it is adorable and you like it, or correct them and they are sure to never do it again. Then, when your child is old enough to think for themselves, they can decide what they want to be called. Isn’t that fair?

My husband is Steven. But people call him Steve AND Steven and one time his mom tried to correct me and say that it was Steven… but by this point he was 30 years old and very able to correct someone for himself. I mostly call him Steven, but he goes by either. I digress…

Regarding this whole issue, the one that gets me the most is naming your kid Tripp or Trey when they are not a III! If your name is, for example, Robert Griffin, III then by all means, feel free to be nicknamed and called Tripp or Trey, but not if you aren’t a third. It is just confusing.

Don’t even get me started on people in the south naming their baby the woman’s weird maiden name… Anderson or Thomas, yes, but do you really want to be named Blackwell, Schultz, or anything Polish? Didn’t think so.

Enough ranting for now. As you were. :)

Number Pad Woes

Can we just all agree that the number pad needs a comma? Every time I type a number greater than the hundreds, I always have to stop and think, "Now, where is that comma?" Like I've suddenly lost it or something... I would go out on a limb and suggest that they could replace the number lock key with the elusive comma. #firstworldproblems

Delta - 2, Joellen - 0

Remember this post? Well, Delta duped me again!

I wanted to "gift" some miles to my husband for an upcoming trip. Seems OK right? There are SEVERAL options to donate, gift, transfer, etc. your miles to someone.

It costs $0.01 per mile to do this. So, for 5,000 miles, it is a $50, but then they add a $30 fee onto that! So frustrating.

That being said, the $80 total was a lot less than buying a new ticket, but still. We bought a LOT of flights for that 110,000 mile total.

Really? Again, IKEA?

I have hit "continue" 10 freaking times... that IS my county! How else do I tell you? How can I correct something that is already right? Does my computer hear me when I sigh? Does it feel the anger in my finger when my mouse clicks on "refresh?"

I just need table legs to build my new desk. That is it. So simple and easy.

Yet, you fail me again, IKEA.

Pet Peeve of the Week

If I email you a list of three questions... please don't email me back with a response that only answers the first one.

That does two things for me; one, it makes me think you are too busy to read the entire email thus leads me to question your thoroughness and if I should be doing business with you in the first place...

and two, it forces me to spend additional time and email you back the SECOND two questions, again, hoping for a response to both this time.

Please stop doing that. Thank you!

The Lucky Ones

I know that the factory collapsing in Bangladesh happened a couple weeks ago now, but it has been weighing heavy on my mind for a while. Only now do I feel like I can express my feelings into words although the emotions I am feeling within are a bit darker than I can say. If ever a thing can happen to make me feel grateful for what I have, it is a tragedy like this.

I read the story and felt horrible for what had happened, especially in my field as an architect. Shoddy construction work lead to the collapse of a large factory and over 1,000 deaths of humans have been tallied so far. A THOUSAND. Keeping everything cheap, the factory building itself, the pay for those who work there, the conditions they are working in; it's all so I can get a shirt for 5 bucks from a big box store here in America. Some people think that their lives are worth less than ours... some people can be so wrong.

The story made me sad, but it wasn't until I saw the much talked about photo from Taslima Akhter of the last embrace of one couple that I became physically emotional. I just can't post the picture here because it is too powerful, but since it went viral you can look it up on your own if you wish. Just know that it is a shot of a man and a woman, deceased, in a hug and clinging, literally, for their lives before they were so senselessly taken. I immediately starting crying uncontrollably when I saw it... A picture really does say 1,000 words and it lead me to so many questions I have about God and the universe and humanity and life and...

Why are we, as Americans, the lucky ones? Why do I care so much about having a nice outfit to wear to a wedding this summer? I run the water for at least 30 seconds until it is warm so I can wash my face at night. I feed my purebred french bulldog a grain free diet. I got rid of my last car because the air conditioning went out. I am an American, and not even the worst of us either - I also turn out the lights when not in use, recycle, combine my errands into one to save gas, volunteer my time to those who are less fortunate...

I can't help but think of the tributes and stickers on cars, and memorials, and lawsuits filed of the 9 Charleston firefighters that lost their lives a few years back. All of that over 9 people. Does that make me seem heartless that I wonder why we did all of that for 9 people here while I wonder what they will do for over a THOUSAND people who died there? Can you imagine if that happened in the United States? It is unfathomable. The stupid lawsuits in this country are ridiculous. The sense of entitlement, the fear that people will sue you over slippery floors or hot coffee or even making the wrong weather predictions?

This story will definitely make me think differently before I start to complain about the temperature of my office next time. At least I know it will not collapse on me.

Walking The Dog

I never had such an eventful night of dog walking like I did the other night...

First off, I was turning the corner and walking Minnie on the sidewalk when a car going the same way that I was walking turned right in front of me into their drive way. Like 15' in front of me. As if that wasn't rude enough, they parked their car OVER the sidewalk and turned the ignition off. I had to physically step through the grass and go around their parked car because they were directly in my path.

Let me just say that I am trying to direct my anger into humor lately. I started laughing out loud at their clear act of inconsiderateness and shook my head. I would NEVER do that to someone. I feel like she could have waited the 5-10 seconds for me to get by with my dog instead of pulling in front of us making me stop and then forcing me to walk all the way around her car. Some people...

Also, when I walk Min at night I try to be more self aware. I don't listen to music and my senses are all together more heightened when it is dark outside. There was a car parked on the side of the road with its fog lights on and the engine running up ahead a little later that same night. I cautiously approached it while walking on the sidewalk and then I noticed it was two teenagers making out in the car! It was awesome.

As much as that other lady pissed me off, this genuinely made me laugh inside (so as to not disturb them) and think back to the good old high school days. The days when all you had to worry about was making good grades, being on time for practice, and not getting caught making out with your boyfriend by your parents. Love it.

Women, Please Don't Give Up On Yourselves to Get Married...

My friend on facebook posted an article from eHarmony about how a "career woman" should act on a first date, and the undertone is pretty appalling. You can read the full article here, but basically it says to:

1. Leave work at work. 
1. Fine, I get that, it is always a good idea for both women and men to do.
2. Talking about work will come off as "masculine and assertive" is where you've lost me.
2. Let him pick up the tab. 
1. OK, I understand, chivalry and all that - especially since it is a first date. I would still go for the "wallet grab" though, ladies. I wouldn't want him to think that you can't take care of yourself.
3. Wear a dress, some heels, and perfume, and leave the power suit at home.
1. WTF?!?
2. This is a direct quote:
1. "Having an attitude of “Well, he shouldn’t be paying attention to my chest; he should be listening to how I closed that deal yesterday!” also won’t help career women get to a second date, so remember that you are in fact a woman and use it to your advantage."

That last one is really screwing with me... I interpret that as it is more important for you to wear something attractive on a first date than by telling him about the big deal you just made at work, because that is masculine and assertive.

But what if you have trouble feigning enthusiastic interest in superficial bullshit for husband-snagging purposes? 

"Career women" or so this article states, would NEVER take this advice so I don't know to whom they think this article is written. This is advice to a woman who wants a more traditional female role in her marriage. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but some women now prefer a more equal say in the household, can feel accomplished in a good day's work, and have more interests in life than "pleasing her man."
  
I am married and I acted myself 100% of the time during our dating years and still to this day I have been steadfast with who I am and what I want out of life. I prefer an equal say in our marriage and I have a career that I am proud of and it is a big part of my life - why wouldn't I share it on a first date?

I dated a man before I met my husband in which I felt I had to change who I was around him, and that, to me, is the main issue here. It was exhausting pretending I didn't have an opinion of what we did or where we ate, to get dressed to the nines and in full makeup just to have a movie night in, to not overshadow his mediocre career because I am an architect. I swore to myself: Never Again.

Bottom line is, be who you are. If you like talking about sports, you bring in a nice living, and you want to play flag football on your weekends, do it! There are plenty of men who will not only date a girl like you, but will appreciate your independence and conversation and companionship so much, that they may even be willing to marry you too. ;)

Mispelled Names

If you are going to call me "Jo-leen" or mispell my name, at least name sure you have neither seen my name spelled nor have heard it pronounced before you do it...

That being said, below is a response to an email that I sent earlier this morning. I am sure the Sarah and Saras or the Cathy and Kathys of the world can agree... at least give it some effort people!

Having my name misspelled and mispronounced my whole life makes me a little sensitive when it comes to others' names - I try so hard to make sure it is right!

The Bens and Mikes of the world have no idea what I am talking about... :)

Unspoken Brain Activity

7:51am

Damn Jo, you were supposed to get a 25’ HDMI cord for the presentation today… ugh and you are already running late! Of course you are, if you would just get up 15 minutes earlier, this wouldn’t happen, but noooo…

Oooh, Kmart is much closer, I’ll give them a try even though they were totally dirty last time, and strange people go there, even more so than Walmart it seems, but this will give them a chance to redeem themselves. Plus they ARE much closer, see? You are already here. Awesome idea, Jo.

Wow, not many people stop at Kmart on Monday mornings? Where are all the cars? Nice, got a good parking spot. Next to a creeper sitting in his van with the engine running… this can’t be good for me. Why did I park next to a VAN with no windows that is RUNNING?!? Jo, you are such an idiot, just walk to the front door, everything will be fine.

Why didn’t this automatic door open for me? What? They don’t open ‘til 8?!? Who the F#$% doesn’t open ‘til 8? What kind of people do they expect to get in here after 8 when everyone I know has to be to work by that time?!? UGH… always when I am running late.

Kmart is a constant disappointment, off to the 24 hour Walmart I go…

Btw… the presentation got cancelled. Awesome Monday so far.